Open Letter to the boy who was never really mine. 18.07.2023

I miss you more than you could ever imagine.

All the small little moments with you, all little details.

How we watched Ice Age in my broken bed and laughed about it when it collapsed in the middle and brought us close together.

When you gifted me your red black shirt you wore on my birthday that I almost wore everyday because it smelled like your perfume.

How well you handled the situation with this jealous guy who got kicked out from the party because I only had eyes for you.

The small smile you gave me when I kissed your moles that you told me you were insecure about. I always thought that its cute and suits you.

How our fingers intertwined and my whole body got chills, mostly my heart.

How we danced arm in arm on my balcony and I wished I could freeze time because I didnt wanted to let go.

How you used to stare at me and told me how beautiful you think I am, inside and outside. With or without sex.

When we promised to visit Japan together, my home in heart since I was 14 y/o - I was exited to show you around, but mostly to be with you.

How cute you think my nose is and the all those nights we tried to watch Anime together but we couldnt keep our hands off each other, so I used to put horror movies on because I knew I couldnt concentrate when you were around.

The times we cooked together or the nights we used to text for hours having deep talks, sharing intimate thoughts.

I see you in every romantic movies, hear you in every love song and think about you even when I try to forget you while travelling through cities and having some sightseeings, wishing I could experience all that with you while holding your hand.

You always used to cheer me up, made me laugh, made me feel good, almost pretty in my skin. You are one of the reasons - If not the main reason - to become a better version of myself.

I trusted you and gave you the name of my diary, my emotions, interests and love languages - my private Tumblr - and even If I dont think that you check up on me (anymore?), I need it to get it off my chest.

I always had a thing for you, even when I had crushes on my ex boyfriends because you didnt fully had interest in me, and I guess you knew. I tried to move on so many times.

What a shame that I was never the woman you wanted to be with, while I wouldve gave everything to get the chance to make you happy, but I gaslit myself to not to get hurt.

I hate to break it to you and me, but I fell in love with you the moment I met you during break in school.

You were the last person I kissed and this wont change until .. Id love to say our lips meet again.. but, until I find someone who can make me feel like you did, by just existing.

I wish I was what you wanted, but I was not able to love myself, so I smoked weed everyday for 8 years to escape reality and got used to be sourrounded with bad influence and never REALLY tried to change because I never had a reason or the guts to. At least that was what I thought, but you shouldve been reason enough.

Im clean from all kind of drugs, almost a month now without addiction relocation. I was able to cut off the contact to all kind of bad people & influence to a lot of people who are no good for themselves and me. Chat and numbers are all deleted. - You will never know, but god.. I wish you would be proud of me, at least for trying to change my life and bad behaviour I used to have. I feel ashamed for taking so long to realise that.

And still while Im grieving that you are not in my life anymore, I wish you find someone who will treat you right and love you better, because I still think youre the most beautiful person I got to know. You deserve to be with the girl of your dreams and I hope you find her soon, because If there is a person out there that deserves to be loved, its you.

I wish you good luck, and kinda hope you will not remember me completely badly. I never meant to be like that, I hope you know that.

I kissed someone today. Over and over again like he was my biggest desire. My lips and hands all over his body while mine was shaking how it used to be when you toutched me. Not even sexual.

I swore to myself that my next kiss would be special with someone like you, but you dont even have a clue how special you are to me. I didnt even understood it myself until the time youre gone.

He just looks like you.

He got the same moles on his face like you and he also used me for his very own pleasure.

I kissed someone today who looks exactly like you and the whole time I thought and wished it was actually with you.

I wish I had kept my promise, but you didnt kept your promises either.

Fuck my life and this poem, I just miss you so fucking much.